No Words

6:25 am.

The girls come running downstairs, I’m already up having fallen asleep watching a movie on the couch.

We always Skype my mom and dad for about ten minutes or so each day.

It’s great to see the girls interact with Grampy Joe and Grammie I, but it’s mostly for me.

My mother is long retired, but swore she was going to stay active.

She works for an at home care company and is caring for the elderly.

She loves her job.

She loves the interaction and loves caring for people.

6:40 am.

Get up, let the dog out and get the girls something to eat.

By this time morning cartoons are on.

I’m racing around trying to find something to eat for me.

The leftovers are usually the first to go.

The pot of coffee isn’t on.

A matter of fact it’s never been on.

I’ve never had a cup of coffee or tea.

I swore a long time ago if I ever needed anything to get me going in the morning I don’t know what I would do.

That was way before I became a teacher.

I don’t drink coffee, I drink Diet Coke.

I know it’s poison.

I know I keep telling everyone that I’m trying to cut back, but I’m addicted.

7:00am, I make my way into the living room and shut the doors behind me. Charlie Lightbulb’s kennel is jammed in the other entrance of the living room.

Yes, our dog’s name is Charlie Lightbulb.

I wanted to name him Zdeno or something Bruins related, but that was voted down pretty quick.

A month and half ago the ideas would start flowing as soon as I sat down.

This is where I do my work especially on the weekends.

I quickly devour my breakfast and start writing.

There’s no lap top, there’s no little desk.

Just my I phone 5E and my flowered comfy chair.

Photo Grace and Audrey Eagles

The echoes of the cartoons are in the background, a few sighs or snoring from Charlie in the front hall way or the odd bark when he sees a bird in the front yard.

A month and half ago the words there. A month and half ago there was tons of stories flowing through my head, but they are all gone.

I have roughly five interviews from NHL Draft Prospects that I could write, and I’ve already wrote one article on a great young player, but it wasn’t my best work.

Did I just go through the motions to get my mind to shut off for an hour or two.

You see every article I write is special to me.

For that moment in time I have to do it justice, I have to tell the best story possible.

It’s not about me it’s about the player and their journey.

In these uncertain times the words are gone.

I’m a want to be writer, the words should always be there.

The words are gone.

That’s just the easiest way to put it.

I’ve written a few articles these past few weeks, but for the most part the quiet solitude of my flowered green chair has become my hiding place.

My creativity is gone, it’s been buried by worry and concern.

I had a good friend reach out to me during the first week of all of this and say “You have been quiet?”

Really what’s there to say?

Hockey and sport didn’t really matter. I was so worried that I didn’t really want to talk to anyone let alone publish an article on hockey.

As the days went by I continued to see people keep track of how many days they have gone with out their precious hockey.

Of course I miss the game, but I just wanted to yell, who gives a flying f&$@ about hockey or sport right now!

People are sick, people are dying the virus is out there. Hockey doesn’t matter right now or does it?

I’ve lost track at the number of times I’ve hit delete or back space or the number of times I’ve stared at a blank screen in notes.

On week two of all of this, I received a phone call from a dear friend that changed my perspective on things.

They reached out to ask about going live on Facebook, and asked me how I was doing.

For the first time since all this had happened I could talk about my anxiety and worry.

I had gotten a few emails and text messages from friends which meant so much to me, but this time I could actually talk about it.

When I received those text messages I didn’t want to talk to anyone, but this was different.

For the next fifteen minutes we talked about a lot of things one being my writing and how he believed it helped people.

That phone call changed my perspective.

A day or two after that I received a text message from a source asking me if I had heard about the amazing things Egor Sokolov was doing for his community.

For about an hour an half the words returned.

Nevertheless, as fast as they returned they went away.

Day after day, morning after morning I’ve gone through the same routine.

The ideas flow, but the words don’t.

I’ve never taken the creative process for granted.

I’ve experienced writers block a few times, but this is different.

Rediscovering my passion for my former hobby of memorabilia and card collecting and doing little videos from time to time has become very therapeutic for me, but in all seriousness who wants to read or write an article on hockey when there’s a global pandemic.

Maybe some people do want to read articles on sports right now?

I was truly torn writing the article on the NHL coming to the Maritimes, it was pure speculation, but was I selfishly writing for my own benefit as a distraction or a pause in the constant worry I was experiencing.

The words may not be there as frequent, but when they are it’s a great distraction.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night as I do on most occasions with some great ideas, but at 3am the wave of doubt returned.

Three days after getting that monumental phone call, a Rogers TV Producer reached out wondering if I would be interested in filming a few episodes of Sports Inclusive.

I jumped at the opportunity.

It’s taken me this long to realize how important it really is to have an outlet during these times of uncertainty.

Doing the show and the Quick Shift Podcast has become a welcomed distraction and puts my thoughts of worry on the back burner, unfortunately when those shows end, the heat gets turned on even more.

Yesterday was the first time I reached out to two QMJHL players to write an article.

Are the words returning or is it just another break in the wave of worry and concern.

For now the words are starting to flow.

To be brutally honest I would love to start writing articles and showcasing front line medical staff and essential workers who are doing amazing things in our Province and all across Canada during these times.

They are the true heroes.

Their stories need to be told every day.

The best stories are always the ones directly in front of us.

Stay safe everyone, I hope you all have an outlet at this time.

Your support and words of encouragement mean more to me than you will ever know.

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