The quiet solitude of a hotel room, an empty dressing room or the last seat at the end of the bar, that’s where you can find the struggling coach and let me tell you it’s not the greatest place to be. So, who’s checking in on the coach?
There’s no coaching manual for a young coach or any coach for that matter who is struggling. If you have been behind the bench for any point of time, the losses, the long hours, the lack of receptivity from some parents and players or constant pressure continuously adds ups. It can take a massive toll on anyone’s psyche. Everyone thinks that you don’t care, care too much, are too hard on the players or too soft, everywhere you turn the negativity seeps in and drastically effects your self confidence. Then the guilt from being away from family and friends and all of the sacrifices that come with being a coach weighs on a person as well.
No one ever said coaching would be easy. We all know that going in, but some years are tougher than others, and the answers to any coaching woes aren’t found at the bottom of a bottle.
I Wasn’t Ready
The dynamic between being a Head Coach vs an Asst. Coach has always been fascinating to me, and I’ve experienced both over my coaching journey. I thought I was ready to lead the group and be “the guy” well before I really was and then I found myself never wanting to return to the “head coach” role because I didn’t think I was ever going to be ready again even though I was.
It’s rare for young coaches to dive right into the “Head Coach” role so many coaches find themselves at one end of the bench trying to find their voice and trying to navigate their role as a leader. That’s never easy especially when you’re not entirely on the same page with the head coach, and you know damn well the players might respond better to you than them.
I’m not going to sit here and describe every single up and down in my coaching journey, but let’s just say I went to a lot of different people to ask them questions when I was floundering in both roles. What if young coaches don’t know where to turn or don’t have those types of people in their corner? The internal battle coaches fight in their minds is never ending and even in the off season, things get mulled over endlessly.
Some coaches can’t let that shit go and rightfully so, it’s invaluable experience even though it might cut deep. The coaches that hang up the “coach’s board” and laugh it off like it didn’t even happen are more than likely not going to learn anything about their players or themselves if they take that approach. There has to be a happy medium there somewhere, but that takes a lot of time and experience to come to piece with the decisions you make as a coach. For me personally it was summer hockey or a yearly elite level selection camp here locally which strengthened my resolve. My first head coaching experience wasn’t ideal, I was in over my head, and I wasn’t ready for all the other stuff that came a long with the role at the High School Hockey level. Three years into my teaching career, I had tons of coaching experience, but it was all the administrative stuff and off ice shit that took the most time. I had some great managers trying to help me, but they were just starting their teaching careers as well and trying to navigate all of that at the same time. Plus, my first two seasons were disastrous because we were young, didn’t have a ton of talent and weren’t deep at all. We were the bottom dwellers even though the kids worked hard for me, we got spanked badly on most nights. My confidence was at all time low. It was at that point where I was strongly considering stepping away, but I didn’t want to leave the program in disarray because it was my dream to go back and coach where I played and had success.
I didn’t think I was much of a coach at that point and a matter of fact I was burnt out, tire d and so discouraged with myself, but also with how everything was working out. The passion for coaching and the connection I made with players as an Asst. Coach was long gone, what coaching charisma I had was quickly being eradicated. With every issue or loss that arose, I was losing that passion and purpose as a coach. You see at that point I was associating wins and losses as the true indicator of coaching success and it’s just not the case at all. Losing sucks, losing at any level sucks, trying to keep team moral up during that time took a toll on my own.
The Chowder Cup selection tournament provided an outlet for me, it provided an opportunity to connect with different players, but in a highly competitive environment and gave me the confidence to forge ahead. What wasn’t working at the time with my High School team worked with all these other players. I learned more about myself as a person and coach over those three or four summers than I had done in the first three years of teaching and coaching various sports at the high school level.
That experience changed the trajectory of my self confidence as a coach, obviously there were more ups and downs after that and I even questioned if I was ready to be “the guy” again after finding comfortable and stability as an Asst Coach, but the next time I stepped behind the bench as the Head Coach everything was different.
“There was no “The Coaches Site” back then.”
As I’ve written before on this platform the “really good coaches are leaving.” (Check here to read that article The Really Good Ones Are Leaving – The Quick Shift ) That’s the harsh reality of the game sometimes, but what happens to the coaches really struggling, but their passion is unwavering. Where do they go? Who do they talk to?
Clearly, there was no “The Coaches Site” back when I was struggling and if there was, “new” coaches just like all the beginning teachers out there are extremely hesitant to reach out and ask for help because everyone assumes asking for help is a sign of weakness. One could only imagine what that would perceive to be in the hockey world, hell that’s like coming out and saying publicly “that I’m not ready or qualified” which is totally not the case, but we all know that perception is out of control when it comes to young coaches and the decisions they make and the scrutiny they find themselves dealing with day in and day out. Again, a lot of that comes from self doubt, not from the lack of coaching talent and ability. The perception thing can eat away at anyone’s coaching philosophy and psyche.
The solitude of the empty dressing room, hotel room and the last stool at the end of the bar comes with the “coaching island” many young coaches find themselves on. Young coaches overact and under react to certain situations all of the time. Coaching mentors don’t grow on trees and many of the great ones aren’t putting themselves out there or promoting their prowess, they are often in the twilight of their path or journey in the game and often feel the new breed of coaches aren’t receptive or fully capable and all “credentialled” up and fully qualified to handle whatever comes at them in the “new era” of the game. You see it’s the complete opposite. Young coaches don’t know who or what to trust, they’re trying to figure out everything on the fly while balancing their own emotions/reactions while juggling the entire group in front of them every day and hell we haven’t even mentioned the parents.
The greatest challenge to any coach is avoiding self doubt. The greatest challenge to any coach might in fact be addressing self doubt when it arises and let me tell you, its lurking in the undercurrent of every decision that’s made or not made. Leading and coaching a group on the “coaching island” is a lonely existence and countless coaches are living that nightmare right now.
The solitude of an empty dressing room or hotel room and the bottom of a bottle doesn’t have to be the solution for a struggling coach. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone, there’s tons of people and mentors that want to help you and remember you’re never alone in the hockey world.
The Quick Shift 